Previously on Nurse Jackie.
That woman you cutly on took 287 stitches
and 10 pints of blood.
She liked to cut herself.
Fuck you.
This is where you tell me, "you did everything you could.
"It wasn't your fault."
Do you want me to say that?
If I tell you to order a scan, you order a goddamn scan.
'Cause if you don't do it, I'll just go to the next doctor.
In the meantime, that kid died,
and it is all on you.
Doctor Cooper grabbed my tit today.
He says it was a Tourette's response to stress.
Do you realize you're the only sane one there?
Zoey. First year nursing queens community.
Hi.
- What? - My back.
I think you're a saint.
A moonpie.
For me?
Split it with your sister.
Hey, babe. I made pancakes for dinner.
How great is that?
Subtitles: the Don't Mess with the Nurse Team.
Babe, I don't care about the back.
I'm behind the bar all day.
- I care about the back. - Yeah?
Well, I care
about this piece right here.
- Do you? - I do.
- Let me take a look. - Come and take a look.
I don't know. It looks pretty good to me.
Think the girls are asleep?
We can be quiet.
Think the kitchen floor is clean?
- No. - No?
What am I rolling around on down here?
Fruity Pebbles.
Feels more like Cap'n Crunch.
Focus. Focus.
"Sweet'n all."
It sounds like seconal.
Remember seconal?
Watch and learn.
Percocet should never be crushed, broken or chewed...
Unless you want it to hit your system like a bolt of lightning.
Which is only a problem if you're afraid of lightning,
which I am not.
Mid-morning.
Mid-afternoon.
The long ride home.
Should be a pretty good day.
Good morning.
- You're going in already? - Yeah,
I've got the new ice machine and the beer delivery.
You said we could have waffles.
Yes, Fiona honey, I lied.
Gracie, are you eating your breakfast?
They're not...
tight enough.
Come on, sweetie. The bus is gonna be here in two minutes.
- You've gotta eat, okay? - You eat, I'll tie.
I heard the bus!
That's a garbage truck.
Do I have to clean that up?
Daddy likes fruity pebbles on the floor.
Why?
Don't worry about it, my darling.
Recycle these, would you?
- Did you ever heard of dry cleaning? - Saw it in a movie once.
It seemed tedious.
Hello.
God.
Randy, I'm not faking an allergy to your cat.
Bon-bon makes my eyes itch.
You're right, I mean no, I faked a sore throat
at Danny and Dawn's party because I hate tapas.
Okay, I'm gonna get some zyrtec from Eddie.
I've gotta go.
Look, I know what you're thinking...
"geeky new girl baked,
"trying to get the kids at school to like her."
I don't sleep much, so I bake,
and I noticed there's never anything to eat around here.
So...
please take one.
Before I die of humiliation.
I can't believe I did this.
- Baby, these are very heavy. - No, she didn't.
Yes, she did.
I need to talk to someone now!
Well, I need you to calm down now.
"I need you to calm down." What the fuck?
- Why won't anybody talk to me? - Thor!
- Thank you. - My pleasure.
So... is Mo-mo still with Randy?
I think so, but hang in there. You are a catch.
I will.
Hi. You have flawless skin.
- Is he married? - No, go get him.
Fuck. What the fuck?
God, you're supposed to get them at the door!
Come on! Come on! Let go!
- God. - Honey, I'm all right. Relax. I'm OK.
This happens.
I'm going to go get some ice for your cheek.
13-year-old male, fell off a skateboard.
He dropped 10', landed on his head, no helmet, going 15 miles an hour,
that's one five.
You, louder, slower.
Found down, immediately unresponsive,
shallow respiration. O2 sat 95%,
22 angio, bp is decent.
All right, on my three. Ready, one, two, three.
Okay, working from the head down.
It's a party.
Fixed and dilated.
Jacks, call neurosurg, tell them to prep the O.R.
Dislocated shoulder, elbow's in about 4 pieces.
Let's do an ultrasound. I want to check for internal bleeding.
Should be pretty straightforward. Do we have repeats of the vital signs?
- Can we keep it down? - Excuse me?
Hang on a second.
I hear an abdominal aortal aneurysm.
- I'm pretty sure. - No one hears an aneurysm.
When I was in med school, there was this guy that had...
Really? If we don't pop this kid's lid, there's a good chance
- he's gonna be a vegetable. - If an aneurysm breaks loose,
there's 100% chance he's gonna be dead.
Too many cooks. You have to leave now.
They spent $8 billion on it? It's fucking ridiculous.
I don't think I'm entirely sure what they're looking for.
Well, in a nutshell...
A nutshell.
- Want to know what they're looking for? - Sorry. Go.
All right, there's matter and there's antimatter.
When they collide, they annihilate each other,
Total annihilation.
- Depressing. - No no no, here's what it is.
Total annihilation means we shouldn't be here, right?
You, me, pencils... gone
This thing in France or wherever is gonna shoot a proton at an antiproton
and smash it at the speed of light.
- But $8 billion, really? - So what?
They're looking for the particle that allows matter
to connect with other matter and become actual things...
You, me, pencils.
It's fucking magic, Jackie.
It's the God particle. That's what they're looking for.
They're looking for God.
I'm sorry. I get excited.
You had me at "annihilation".
Dr. Persad, pick up on 7-7-5-8.
No, darling, you're in the right place.
If you saw the men's room, you'd understand.
Hey, mom, it's me.
No, I'm good. Really good.
I don't think I can do this.
Nobody said part of the job was getting hit.
Jackie, my boss.
No, she didn't hit me. She got hit.
By this man.
Hard. It was awful.
Plus they hated the muffins. It was a totally bad idea.
Ears don't just jump into toilets, do they?
That's a rhetorical question, right?
Nurse Jackie, your student found this in the ladies' room.
Floating in the toilet.
I was standing there
on the phone with my mom.
It's from that guy you treated yesterday.
- What guy? - You were the last one to handle it.
- Wait. What? - I handed it to you, sweetie.
She got sick.
But listen, I understand it was your first day.
You know what? I can handle this. Thank you.
I have no choice but to initiate an internal investigation.
I resent what you're insinuating.
Why would my nursing student flush a man's ear down the toilet?
But I'm the one who found it.
And there are firemen who set their own fires just to call them in.
You know, you're not wrong. My uncle Gary torched a hobby store.
But that was an insurance thing.
Anyway, I hope you get to the bottom of this.
I'll have to ask the two of you to fill out a report.
What is that?
It's Sweet'n all.
I have been looking for Sweet'n all all over this place for three days.
Am I going to be arrested?
What? No. My god, no.
- Come on. I'll let you do a catheter. - Really?
Didn't the doctor tell you not to smoke when you're on oxygen?
I stopped doing what I was told
when my husband hit me for not vacuuming.
Me too.
- Where's Dr. Cooper? - I paged him 20 minutes ago.
Jackie, I'd like you to meet Eileen.
She was enjoying a smoke when her oxygen tank blew up.
- Eileen, this is Jackie. - Nice to meet you.
Likewise. Oh my. I bet I look like Wile E. Coyote.
You'd win that bet.
If you're gonna diet, diet.
Hi, guys. What are we looking at?
This is Eileen. She was smoking with her oxygen tank.
You might have some first-degree burns underneath all that soot, but...
nothing to worry about.
He paged you 20 minutes ago.
Seriously, 20 minutes?
Forgot to turn it on.
What can we do to make this whole thing better?
You two?
Kiss?
- You need security? - No, I got it.
Don't worry. It's not poop.
Fucking monsters.
Pudding. He went off in the cafeteria.
What's happening? Is he okay?
Well, he's still in the O.R., but his injuries are pretty serious.
God, no.
He's receiving the absolute best care possible.
Did they have to cut his hair?
The surgeons had to relieve the pressure in his skull, so...
God, he's gonna be so mad at me.
He loves his hair.
I was there.
I watched it happen.
You have no idea how hard it is to watch your child falling
and you can't do anything
to stop it.
You're right. I don't.
Surgery, respond to a page on 4-8-6-9.
God damn it, Coop was right.
Skater boy had an aneurysm.
Are you kidding me?
You'll feel better after we eat something.
What kind of a lucky wanker actually hears an aneurysm?
Even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then.
Who knows? He might actually have good instincts.
- Take that back. - Might. I said might.
Coop is nothing but a big girl's blouse, Jackie, and you know it.
I know.
I think I know where you're going with that blouse reference.
He's meek. He's a fraud. He's...
full of bullshit.
I only have a half hour for lunch.
Please don't order the soufflé. It never takes 10 minutes.
We have a nice little pecking order at work.
Coop being a good doctor disrupts the entire balance of my universe.
Next thing you know, he'll be chief of surgery.
Okay, a quick hypothetical.
What would happen to a student nurse
if she got busted flushing a patient's body part down the toilet?
That's so sweet, trying to take my mind off things with your own naughty doings.
- Was it a penis? - No, an ear. Don't ask.
And you blamed the new girl? Well done.
Well, she's a student. She won't get fired.
Anyway, if you want me for backup, you can say I ordered her to flush it.
Heaven.
Hello, my darling.
What? No.
"Closed for private party."
Come on. I'll buy you a hot dog.
- A hot dog? - Honey, I was kidding.
- Oh god, a hot dog? - Honey, I was just kidding.
I would never never never.
Dr. Forest, dial 1-1-2, please.
Dr. Cooper.
- Come on, Coop. - All right, duly noted.
You were right. That kid had an aneurysm.
- This is where you get to gloat. - I fucking knew it.
OK, time's up. Listen... I wanna tell you something
and I...
don't... well...
I think...
that you think that you are a bad doctor.
And I think you do all this...
easy-breezy bullshit to make up for it.
And I think, however that...
And if you tell anybody this I will deny it
and string you up and bleed you out.
I think...
you are a good doctor.
It's not a compliment. You know, it's your job.
That just makes it easier for me to do mine.
No, don't.
Thank you.
What was that?
You know,
it was horrifying.
Hi, guys.
You are a good lady, lady.
Excuse me.
Where's my purse?
Don't.
Stop resisting us, sir.
Fucking monsters!
- We're trying to help you. - What's going on?
Punched the fire alarm, clipped the ulnar, missed the radial...
- Get the fuck off me! - Easy, guys. Easy.
You've got to calm down, sir.
I can't take care of her! Don't you fucking get it?
I've got stairs! I don't got a ramp!
- Try again. - You took her legs!
You expect me to push her around with a bag of piss
hanging off the chair for the rest of her life?
What's she paying for all these years?
Tell me!
- Just fucking tell me! - Will you uncuff him, please?
He hit you. Zoey...
So help me, god, do not call me ma'am. Uncuff him.
- I'd feel better if he were restrained. - You're right about the aneurysm.
It's not your call. The hospital's pressing charges, unless he's psychotic.
Okay, he's psychotic. See you.
See you.
Thank you.
- I'm not crazy. - Are you all right?
I'm sorry. I hit you.
What's your name?
Do you have any idea how much it costs
to insure a morbidly obese,
alcoholic,
diabetic woman with a heart murmur?
- Is this your mom we're talking about? - The HMO's sending her home
and they took her frigging legs.
How am I supposed to take care of her? I've two jobs.
Get him a bed for the night.
He's lost a lot of blood.
We'll get you a bed.
Can we get social services here?
We're gonna help you, Louis.
Just stay put.
Hovering.
Still hovering.
I'm not sure that I can do this.
You and Mo-mo,
you're all so good at what you do. And the doctors...
Oh my God!
They're healers.
And this place is so amazing.
I got into nursing because I want to help people,
and I'm afraid that I'm just slowing you down.
What's this about? Nobody ate your muffins?
You found an ear in the toilet? So what?
You know what this job is?
This job is wading through a shit storm of people
who come into this place on the very worst day of their lives.
Just so you know, doctors are here to diagnose,
not heal. We heal.
All saints is in the business of flipping beds.
That's it. End of story.
The fact that you have even the slightest inclination to help people
puts you miles ahead
of 100% of the population.
So stop crying, okay?
Buck up.
If you need to cry, go do it in the ladies' room. Is that clear?
Long road.
Here's an update.
He's critical, but he is stable.
That's good, right?
But it's going to be a long haul.
I know you know this,
and I know it's hard sometimes to get them to do it,
but you've got to make him wear a helmet.
I know.
It was only one ramp
and it wasn't that high.
He booked the cover of pottery barn teen
and I asked the photographer
to get a couple without the helmet.
I'm sorry?
I wanted them for his portfolio
now that he's got longer hair.
It took us a year
to grow it out.
It's gonna take him a year to learn how to walk again.
And you took his helmet off.
It's your job to protect him.
Jesus!
Damn!
Eileen, are you all right?
Everybody's passing me by.
Wait here.
Are you gonna pretend you didn't see her?
It's your god damn job!
Are you fucking kidding me?
Come here.
- How long have you chest pains? - All day, I guess. Shit!
You're okay.
Eileen, can you wheel yourself in there
- and get me some help, please? - Okay.
Are you allergic to anything?
You're all right.
Sure, take my last one.
This'll help.
Is this cab free?
Are you fucking nuts?
He was having chest pains then he passed out.
What do you think? Are they ready? I don't know.
- Dad, that's ours. - It's better taste them.
- Pretty good. - They're ready.
Here you go.
- Hey, babe. - Mom!
- You're kissing too hard. - No such thing.
My heads, my rules.
Mom, you messed up my hair.
All right. Tell me what you learned today.
That antibacterial soap doesn't work anymore
because the germs got stronger.
Wash your hands anyway.
Mine's a show, not a tell.
It's a knot.
Mrs. Happy taught me.
Very nice.
I think mommy means what did you learn at school?
But that was great.
Get a load of the new ice machine.
Integrated water filtration,
front air intake, perfect ice...
Magic.
... powerful real-world consequence.
Deep in the hillside of the franco-swiss border,
the $8 billion
hadron collider prepares to shoot subatomic particles
through some 17 miles of tunnel...
$8 billion?
Fuck me.
It's actually kind of amazing what it does, though.
They're looking for the God particle.
How do you know that?
I get around.